Thursday, October 30, 2008

Flush Joe the Plumber

On Tuesday, we will vote for our next president. I strongly encourage you to vote for whomever you choose - just be sure to vote.

I also urge you to join me in impeaching Joe the Plumber. We need to unilaterally send this guy back to Ohio to fix toilets. In support of my argument, I present the following evidence:

  • Joe the Plumber lied about his name. His real moniker is not Joe. It is Samuel Wurzelbacher.

  • Joe the Plumber is not, as he lied to Barack Obama, considering buying a plumbing business in Ohio. In fact, he's not even a licensed plumber.

  • Joe the Plumber would not suffer under Obama's tax policy which proposes to raise taxes on those who make over $250,000 a year. In fact, Samuel the Unlicensed Plumber made only $40,000 last year, and the company for which he works made only $100,000. Therefore, both Wurzelbacher and his boss would actually benefit under Obama's tax plan.

  • Joe the Plumber announced that he is considering running for Congress, despite the fact that Ohio has an outstanding lien against him for $1,182.98 in back taxes. (I don't need to state the obvious, but I will: in lacking experience, education, wisdom, good sense, and humility, this would-be emperor is buck-ass naked.)

  • Joe the Plumber, flush with his instant fame, yesterday hired a public relations firm to handle his many requests for interviews. (The real question is: why does the press continue to talk to this nobody?)

  • Joe the Plumber, despite his fervent political aspirations, yesterday announced he is pursuing a country/western music contract. (If he sings as well as he spouts tired Republican talking points, Nashville is in real trouble.)

  • Joe the Plumber today received John McCain's unending gratitude despite the fact that Wurzelbacher stood him up at a campaign event. When Wurzelbacher didn't appear, John McCain urged the crowd to give his favorite plumber a hand "for all that he has done for this country." (WTF?)

  • Joe the Plumber made his presidential endorsement this evening, telling ABC News that in terms of his vote, "It’s going to be for a real American. It’s going to be for a real American, John McCain." (As compared to the real American, Barack Obama, who was born in Hawaii? Perhaps "real Americans" have to be born in the lower 48?)

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case. The fact of the matter is, Joe the Plumber's 15 minutes were up two weeks ago. I urge you to push that lever on Tuesday. Not the lever in the voting booth, but the one that will now and forever flush Joe the Plumber from public consciousness! Or at least mine.


Anonymous said...

I sort of dig him, personally. He could be the next Woody Guthrie. Or, better yet, could replace Robert Plant for the upcoming Led Zeppelin reunion tour. However, he would not be the first singing plumber. I have an album by a guy from the late 70s who is billed as the "Singing Pipe Fitter," which is the same thing, no?

John Matthews said...

Let us pray...

Oh Lord, please let Wednesday, November 5th arrive post-haste, so we can get past this damned election.

Oh - help the Skins Monday night, too. Thanks.


John said...

I came here from a link looking for a chow/chow pug mix.

The account you give is kind of skewed though isn't it? It was Obama trolling the neighborhood doing a pr event that backfired.

And exactly is that making out better thing working anyway? The working classes of the unskilled out of work...yeah that is one way to be taxed less for sure.