Joe the Plumber, Part Tres

I possess a long and unwavering record regarding Joe the Plumber: I can't stand him. He sadly (for me anyway) never learned the lesson about 15 minutes of fame. Andy Warhol said that everyone will get a quarter-hour of renown. If that's the case, Joe the Plumber is long past his expiration date.


Joe the Plumber announced he was considering running for Congress during the height of his fame. In a Capitol riddled with bozos, Joe the Plumber would most certainly be the biggest clown of all. Fortunately, the election ended and the related circus wound down. We never heard from Joe the Plumber again.

Until yesterday. The Washington Post tells us:

Joe the Plumber is aiming to become Joe the War Correspondent. John McCain's campaign sidekick Joe Wurzelbacker told Toledo's WNWO-TV he'll spend 10 days in Israel reporting for a conservative Web site, pjtv.com. "Being a Christian, I'm pretty well protected by God," he said. "That's not saying He's going to stop a mortar for me, but you gotta take the chance."

Uh, Joe? Maybe you hadn't heard? But God is not a condom, and certainly not a custom-made one just for you. God is also not a shield, an invisibility cloak, nor a bulletproof vest. More importantly, God doesn't love you because you're a Christian and He doesn't hate Arabs because they're not. You, sir, are a complete numbskull. (Imagine my best Joe Scarborough imitation while you read that last line.)

The only numbskull bigger than Joe the Plumber are the knuckleheads at pjtv.com. What does pjtv stand for? You got it: Pajamas TV! (The marketing consultant inside me violently shudders at this dreadful name.) According to the website, Pajamas TV is "a network of about 100 bloggers that covers news and issues of the day in a refreshingly thoughtful and civil way" - or in other words, it's a bunch of conservative blowhards who agreed to be on a dumb website called pjtv.com. Which is, of course, why and how Joe the Plumber got hired at all.

Let's wish him godspeed and safe trip and then let's never talk about Joe the Plumber again. Considering I've blogged about this guy three times now, I guess the embargo should start with me. Sounds like a great New Year's resolution, but let's hope he doesn't tempt me by doing something really dumb. Sigh... fat chance of that, huh?

Flush Joe the Plumber

On Tuesday, we will vote for our next president. I strongly encourage you to vote for whomever you choose - just be sure to vote.

I also urge you to join me in impeaching Joe the Plumber. We need to unilaterally send this guy back to Ohio to fix toilets. In support of my argument, I present the following evidence:

• Joe the Plumber lied about his name. His real moniker is not Joe. It is Samuel Wurzelbacher.



• Joe the Plumber is not, as he lied to Barack Obama, considering buying a plumbing business in Ohio. In fact, he's not even a licensed plumber.



• Joe the Plumber would not suffer under Obama's tax policy which proposes to raise taxes on those who make over $250,000 a year. In fact, Samuel the Unlicensed Plumber made only $40,000 last year, and the company for which he works made only $100,000. Therefore, both Wurzelbacher and his boss would actually benefit under Obama's tax plan.



• Joe the Plumber announced that he is considering running for Congress, despite the fact that Ohio has an outstanding lien against him for $1,182.98 in back taxes. (I don't need to state the obvious, but I will: in lacking experience, education, wisdom, good sense, and humility, this would-be emperor is buck-ass naked.)



• Joe the Plumber, flush with his instant fame, yesterday hired a public relations firm to handle his many requests for interviews. (The real question is: why does the press continue to talk to this nobody?)



• Joe the Plumber, despite his fervent political aspirations, yesterday announced he is pursuing a country/western music contract. (If he sings as well as he spouts tired Republican talking points, Nashville is in real trouble.)



• Joe the Plumber today received John McCain's unending gratitude despite the fact that Wurzelbacher stood him up at a campaign event. When Wurzelbacher didn't appear, John McCain urged the crowd to give his favorite plumber a hand "for all that he has done for this country." (WTF?)
  
  
  
• Joe the Plumber made his presidential endorsement this evening, telling ABC News that in terms of his vote, "It’s going to be for a real American. It’s going to be for a real American, John McCain." (As compared to the real American, Barack Obama, who was born in Hawaii? Perhaps "real Americans" have to be born in the lower 48?)

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case. The fact of the matter is, Joe the Plumber's 15 minutes were up two weeks ago. I urge you to push that lever on Tuesday. Not the lever in the voting booth, but the one that will now and forever flush Joe the Plumber from public consciousness! Or at least mine.

We're definitely not in Kansas anymore...

Nor in Alaska either!