Flush Joe the Plumber, Part Deux

Unbeige today reports:

Politics aside, there's one name/phrase we hope to never have to hear or talk about ever again (which will hopefully be the case after this post). That, of course, being "Joe the Plumber," the absurd moniker of one Joe Wurzelbacher, who is a plumber. As you may have heard during the battle for the White House, Joe was busy trying to stretch out his temporary fame by writing a book. Now that book is available for pre-order ..."

The name of this heralded tome? Joe the Plumber: Fighting for the American Dream.

Let me get a few things straight. First, Joe the Plumber isn't really named Joe; his name is Sam. And he didn't write this book either. A "spiritual novelist" named Thomas N. Tabback penned this stinker.

Finally, how exactly has Sam the Perpetual Fame Seeker fought for the American Dream? By creating a truly dreadful website that, for the nominal fee of $14.95, lets you sign up for the "Freedom Membership" which has the following "benefits:"

• Total Access to "Joe The Forum" where you may chat directly with Joe
  
• Subscription to the "Joe The Blog" monthly newsletter
  
• Free Shipping on all "Joe The Plumber" merchandise
  
• Free Signed Copy of Joe's forthcoming book "Joe The Plumber" - Fighting for the American Dream (Paperback slated for release December 1, 2008)
  
• Become an integral part of an American movement to restore our government to the people

Know what I would like to do? Become an integral part of an American movement to restore Samuel Wurzelbacher to complete anonymity. I hate JTP so much, I won't give you the link to his book. And please don't go look it up. I can't take another 15 seconds of this dude's excruciating 15 minutes of fame. As I said in my last JTP rant, it's long past time to flush Joe the Plumber.

Goodbye Cresthaven Elementary

Yesterday, I had the bittersweet pleasure of attending a goodbye party for my elementary school. When I first enrolled in Cresthaven Elementary in 1964, the school resembled a new ranch house with a (what was then) hip, mid-century design; flat roof; multiple rectangular, plate glass windows; and incredibly spare ornamentation.

The school is almost exactly as I remember it, all the way down to the folding lunch tables stored in the front of the all-purpose room. The library found its way down the hall to larger quarters and renamed itself as a "media room" (ack!), but otherwise the school appears to have completely avoided evolution.

Until now. The Montgomery County Public Schools is tearing the building down in January and replacing it with a three-story "green" primary educational facility. That certainly sounds like a MCPS thing to do; in fact, they tore down my junior high school a couple of years ago and now are in the process of rebuilding it. So while my alma mater is still standing, I decided to make one last trip to the school.

When I was a child, Cresthaven sported ubiquitous Maryland landscaping: green grass, misshapen azaleas, and spindly oak trees. Those oaks are now gentle giants who inspired a rush of childhood remembrance: my saddle-shoed feet plowing through ever-abundant brown, brittle oak leaves and their companion acorns. Those sturdy seeds looked like tiny heads just waiting for a face. I liked to play with acorns, popping the woody tan hat to expose the acorn's bald spot and then searched diligently for telltale worm holes. Rolling the acorn around in my palm, I tried in vain to break the shell, settling finally for pressing the pointy neck deep into my thumb. Even then, I marveled that such a tiny seed could one day produce a glorious tree. Thinking back, I realize I was also a resilient, little acorn just waiting to grow.

And grow I did. Under the careful tutelage of my elementary school teachers - Mrs. Ness, Mrs. Bauer, Ms. Cochran, Miss Beasley, and Mr. Ritter - I received a simply stellar education. God bless you all - and thank you. I pray the students who attend the new, improved Cresthaven Elementary get even half the education I did. If they do, they will most certainly grow into mighty oaks themselves.

You know the campaign is almost over when...

... eBay's featured items are Cabbage Patch candidate dolls. I knew something was missing from this big, beautiful world, but I didn't think it was this.

Sarah Palin, the big winner in the auction (but likely not the election), is currently priced at an unbelievable $9,800 - almost the cost of one of her designer suits!

Fortunately, 100 percent of the proceeds go to the Marine Toys for Tots Foundation. According to the accompanying eBay page, "Each is fashioned in classic ‘Kid™ style to resemble the U.S. Democratic and Republican candidates for President and Vice President. These are the only ones of their kind in existence and are available only on eBay. Own a piece of history!"

Sadly, I'm going to have to pass. Our dire economy leaves me a bit short this month for five-figure, 1980s-throw-back dolls.

But I can't help noticing that while Palin and Obama are very identifiable, McCain and Biden are virtually interchangeable. You know how it is... those old, white, balding guys... they all look alike. ;-)

Happy Election Day Eve, gang. Curl up with your Cabbage Patch doll and get some sleep. Tomorrow night we'll be up late watching campaign results - and truly witnessing history.

Flush Joe the Plumber

On Tuesday, we will vote for our next president. I strongly encourage you to vote for whomever you choose - just be sure to vote.

I also urge you to join me in impeaching Joe the Plumber. We need to unilaterally send this guy back to Ohio to fix toilets. In support of my argument, I present the following evidence:

• Joe the Plumber lied about his name. His real moniker is not Joe. It is Samuel Wurzelbacher.



• Joe the Plumber is not, as he lied to Barack Obama, considering buying a plumbing business in Ohio. In fact, he's not even a licensed plumber.



• Joe the Plumber would not suffer under Obama's tax policy which proposes to raise taxes on those who make over $250,000 a year. In fact, Samuel the Unlicensed Plumber made only $40,000 last year, and the company for which he works made only $100,000. Therefore, both Wurzelbacher and his boss would actually benefit under Obama's tax plan.



• Joe the Plumber announced that he is considering running for Congress, despite the fact that Ohio has an outstanding lien against him for $1,182.98 in back taxes. (I don't need to state the obvious, but I will: in lacking experience, education, wisdom, good sense, and humility, this would-be emperor is buck-ass naked.)



• Joe the Plumber, flush with his instant fame, yesterday hired a public relations firm to handle his many requests for interviews. (The real question is: why does the press continue to talk to this nobody?)



• Joe the Plumber, despite his fervent political aspirations, yesterday announced he is pursuing a country/western music contract. (If he sings as well as he spouts tired Republican talking points, Nashville is in real trouble.)



• Joe the Plumber today received John McCain's unending gratitude despite the fact that Wurzelbacher stood him up at a campaign event. When Wurzelbacher didn't appear, John McCain urged the crowd to give his favorite plumber a hand "for all that he has done for this country." (WTF?)
  
  
  
• Joe the Plumber made his presidential endorsement this evening, telling ABC News that in terms of his vote, "It’s going to be for a real American. It’s going to be for a real American, John McCain." (As compared to the real American, Barack Obama, who was born in Hawaii? Perhaps "real Americans" have to be born in the lower 48?)

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case. The fact of the matter is, Joe the Plumber's 15 minutes were up two weeks ago. I urge you to push that lever on Tuesday. Not the lever in the voting booth, but the one that will now and forever flush Joe the Plumber from public consciousness! Or at least mine.

We're definitely not in Kansas anymore...

Nor in Alaska either!

Wacko pugs, installment three

It's been a while since I've chronicled God's most creative creatures, which I lovingly call Wacko Pugs. What is a wacko pug? Simply a great dog who is a conglomeration of pug and some other pure-bred canine. The result is truly a one-of-a-kind pup. Of course, all dogs are one-of-a-kind, but these guys are really something else. (Check out Installment 1 and Installment 2 to see other pug mixes.)

Today, let's begin with an unlikely pair: pug and poodle. Pugs are the burly halfbacks of the dog world, even when they're girls. In contrast, poodles are prissy little things who prance. Join the two together, and you have this honey-colored beauty. She looks less prissy and more halfback to me - perhaps she's a quarterback???

Speaking of feminine dogs, how about this little doll? She's a chow chow/pug mix who looks like she belong in Paris Hilton's bag. This one is definitely a girly-girl, red hair bows and all. I'd love to know if she's got a black tongue, one of the chow's distinguishing characteristics.

Next, a shih tzu/pug mix who just begs to be loved. Who could deny this sweet thing whatever he wants? I'd spoil this wacko pug until he was completely insufferable (kind of like my dog!).




And how about this built-in lifeguard of a dog who can signal storm warnings with his contrary ears? He's an Eskimo dog/pug mix, a combo I never thought I'd see.



I can't imagine anyone saying "hit the road, Jack," to this adorable Jack Russell/pug pup. I bet he's nothing but trouble, but he's a real cutie.

And I'll end this installment of Wacko Pugs with the wise, knowing eyes of this pomeranian/pug dog. He is undoubtedly an old soul who would cuddle up with you just to let you know that everything will be okay. Like the rest of these unique creations, what a great dog.

My Great Depression about delusions of grandeur

A couple of thoughts today in response to MSNBC and CNBC's insistent and persistent reporting that we MIGHT be in a recession. Excuse me? We MIGHT be in a recession? What are they thinking?

Yes, I know economists technically define recession as two or more consecutive quarters of negative gross domestic product (GDP). The United States of America apparently does not officially qualify for recession status because our GDP was .9 percent in the first quarter and 2.9 percent in the second quarter. And in what can only be seen as completely delusional, the Bureau of Economic Analysis projects that the third quarter GDP will be 3.8 percent.

HUH? The American economy is growing? Are they nuts?

I'm no economist, but defining recession by this measurement is clearly meaningless. We're not only in a recession - we're in a depression, as evidenced by:

Exponentially growing unemployment. As the 760,000 lost jobs this year prove (my brother and ex-husband are among these poor souls), unemployment is staggering - and is likely to only get worse.

Falling house prices. Inman News stated today that home prices have fallen 11.3 percent and that "there's no reason to expect any improvement and, if anything, things could get worse."

Rapidly increasing mortgage defaults. As Bloomberg reports, "U.S. foreclosure filings increased 71 percent in the third quarter from a year earlier to the highest on record as home prices fell and stricter mortgage standards made it harder for homeowners to sell or refinance, RealtyTrac said." Seventy-one percent??? Good God!

The interminable credit crisis in the nation's banks. Even Alan Greenspan said today that he is in "shocking disbelief" that the economy is such a "tsunami." If Greenspan's shocked, what the heck am I supposed to think, do, or feel?

The high cost of gas. Even with the commodity's recent falling price, it still costs $45 to fill up my Beetle. I don't even know what SUV owners do every week. I just couldn't do it.

The astronomical growth in grocery prices. I bought three bags of groceries - on sale - yesterday and still managed to burn through $111.83. Shoot me now.

Clearly, the United States is not in happy financial times simply because the GDP is up. I don't think we're even in a recession. Depression, with all its unfortunate and costly misery, rules. No delusions of grandeur here.

However, speaking of delusions of grandeur, I can't help but mention the GOP's glitzy fashion maven, Sarah Palin. As I'm sure you've already heard, she managed in eight weeks to blow through $150,000 in chi-chi-poo-poo frocks and other accouterment. Listen, it may feel like the woman fell off a snowmobile and into the vice presidential race, but c'mon, she is a governor! How bad could her apparel have possibly been? I understand getting some new duds for a national political contest, but $150,000 in two months? Thank God Obama's in the lead because we can't afford this woman! At the rate she's going, we'd spend nearly a million dollars a year just keeping her clothed!

In this awful, dreadful, miserable, hopeless, horrifying, appalling, atrocious, revolting, and vile economy, the American people don't suffer from a single delusion of grandeur. Instead, we're cowering under a pile of pink slips, past due credit card bills, empty wallets, late mortgage payments, and burgeoning fear.

I wish I had a single delusion of grandeur. If I did, I'd whip out that overburdened credit card and go on a long tropical vacation. Alas, I need to be real - and everyone else does, too. The last things we require right now are confused economists and fancily dressed politicians. And I haven't even mentioned Congress yet...